It's that day. Again

03 May 2014
Flower sad
Flower sad (Photo credit: @Doug88888)
I don't like May 3rd. Perhaps one day it won't bother me, but as of now it still does. It wasn't as bad as the first one post divorce, or even last year, but it's still not great. Today would have been my 18th wedding anniversary. Stupid May 3rd.

Here are the things I know on 5/3/14. I am so much stronger than I thought I was three years ago. There is nothing I can't accomplish if I set my mind to it. I am smart, kind, funny, heck I am even beautiful. Sure my teeth are falling out and I am fat, but there is beauty in me. There is a good soul. There is worth. I know these things about myself, things I didn't know say five years ago. So, I am thankful for this May 3rd and all the ones that come after. Thanks to 5/3/96 I have two beautiful children. Those 15 years after taught me so much. There was good, there was bad, but they took me from being a 17 year old girl to a woman. Thanks to May 3rd, I am who I am, a perfectly imperfect woman.

Sure, I am sitting here crying, but I can't even tell you why. I know it's not over what was lost, I know it. Maybe it's because this crazy journey that made me not a wife anymore is scary. I question if I am a good mother, a good family member, a good friend, a good person. I am, I know I am. But, I screw up. A lot. All the time. And I hate myself for it. I am terrified of the uncertainty of what the next year brings. If I'm honest, I am fearful of the uncertainty of tomorrow. All I know is I have to keep trying to make every day I wake up the best day of my life. That's what I am doing.

Only do, you know, there is no try. Yoda is a smarty pants, or robe. Whatever. Thank goodness one of my favorite days comes after stupid May 3rd.

1 comment:

Shannon said...

You could switch it to be imperfectly perfect . . . it rings a little differently. Good for you for growing through/past May 3rd and May the 4th be With You. :)