20 Years Ago

Twenty years ago today I was a seventeen year old bride, scared to death but excited for the future. At this point exactly 20 years ago I was in a hotel with my new husband having a mental freak out because all of a sudden I wasn't supposed to be a kid anymore. We had a baby on the way and out of nowhere it slammed into me that we were now supposed to be adults and our own unit. We were expected to raise someone else. It was a lot to absorb. Even though I was worried about the future and how exactly life was going to work, I was happy because I had this person who loved me. I thought that's what happiness was supposed to look like. 

Fifteen years ago today I was in tears most of the day. The marriage this day commemorated was in trouble and I knew it. I had learned a lot in the years since "I do". I was the mother to two absolutely amazing children. Life was a struggle, but we sort of got by. I tried to count my blessings, but I was not the wife I was expected to be. My heart hurt because happiness was a concept I didn't grasp anymore. I wasn't a great mom. I was depressed and lost, all because I thought the only way to be happy was to be loved by a man, to be living some sort of fairy tale that eluded me. I knew life was not that way for me, for us, and I was miserable for so many reasons. 

I had it all wrong. 

Tonight there are a few tears as I type, not from sadness for where I am now, but from relief the person I was five years ago is long gone.Why has past me a memory and something I will never be again? It's because the power of I. 

“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.” ~ Groucho Marx

I figured out happiness isn't about a man loving you. It's not about a big house, having all the money in the world, or raising perfect kids. Those things don't make you happy, it comes from within us. Figuring that out was a game changer for me. Guess what happened? I became someone I am proud of. I am an amazing mother. Have a job I love. Am finally going to college after years of believing it was impossible. I accomplished a dream by becoming an author. I am strong, so much stronger than I ever believed. I am smart. Funny. Kind. I am blessed with the most incredible family and friends who support and love me unconditionally. I found myself and guess what? I. Am. Happy. Life still throws curve balls. Depression still sucks. Not every day is perfect, most are far from it. Even so, I am happy. It's a life changer. So, on a day I once dreaded and viewed all about loss, I now celebrate. I am no longer a sad, scared girl. Twenty years later I am a fierce, strong, HAPPY woman. I really doesn't get better than that.

It's that day. Again

Flower sad (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

I don't like May 3rd. Perhaps one day it won't bother me, but as of now it still does. It wasn't as bad as the first one post divorce, or even last year, but it's still not great. Today would have been my 18th wedding anniversary. Stupid May 3rd.

Here are the things I know on 5/3/14. I am so much stronger than I thought I was three years ago. There is nothing I can't accomplish if I set my mind to it. I am smart, kind, funny, heck I am even beautiful. Sure my teeth are falling out and I am fat, but there is beauty in me. There is a good soul. There is worth. I know these things about myself, things I didn't know say five years ago. So, I am thankful for this May 3rd and all the ones that come after. Thanks to 5/3/96 I have two beautiful children. Those 15 years after taught me so much. There was good, there was bad, but they took me from being a 17 year old girl to a woman. Thanks to May 3rd, I am who I am, a perfectly imperfect woman.

Sure, I am sitting here crying, but I can't even tell you why. I know it's not over what was lost, I know it. Maybe it's because this crazy journey that made me not a wife anymore is scary. I question if I am a good mother, a good family member, a good friend, a good person. I am, I know I am. But, I screw up. A lot. All the time. And I hate myself for it. I am terrified of the uncertainty of what the next year brings. If I'm honest, I am fearful of the uncertainty of tomorrow. All I know is I have to keep trying to make every day I wake up the best day of my life. That's what I am doing.

Only do, you know, there is no try. Yoda is a smarty pants, or robe. Whatever. Thank goodness one of my favorite days comes after stupid May 3rd.