20 Years Ago

Twenty years ago today I was a seventeen year old bride, scared to death but excited for the future. At this point exactly 20 years ago I was in a hotel with my new husband having a mental freak out because all of a sudden I wasn't supposed to be a kid anymore. We had a baby on the way and out of nowhere it slammed into me that we were now supposed to be adults and our own unit. We were expected to raise someone else. It was a lot to absorb. Even though I was worried about the future and how exactly life was going to work, I was happy because I had this person who loved me. I thought that's what happiness was supposed to look like. 

Fifteen years ago today I was in tears most of the day. The marriage this day commemorated was in trouble and I knew it. I had learned a lot in the years since "I do". I was the mother to two absolutely amazing children. Life was a struggle, but we sort of got by. I tried to count my blessings, but I was not the wife I was expected to be. My heart hurt because happiness was a concept I didn't grasp anymore. I wasn't a great mom. I was depressed and lost, all because I thought the only way to be happy was to be loved by a man, to be living some sort of fairy tale that eluded me. I knew life was not that way for me, for us, and I was miserable for so many reasons. 

I had it all wrong. 

Tonight there are a few tears as I type, not from sadness for where I am now, but from relief the person I was five years ago is long gone.Why has past me a memory and something I will never be again? It's because the power of I. 

“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.” ~ Groucho Marx

I figured out happiness isn't about a man loving you. It's not about a big house, having all the money in the world, or raising perfect kids. Those things don't make you happy, it comes from within us. Figuring that out was a game changer for me. Guess what happened? I became someone I am proud of. I am an amazing mother. Have a job I love. Am finally going to college after years of believing it was impossible. I accomplished a dream by becoming an author. I am strong, so much stronger than I ever believed. I am smart. Funny. Kind. I am blessed with the most incredible family and friends who support and love me unconditionally. I found myself and guess what? I. Am. Happy. Life still throws curve balls. Depression still sucks. Not every day is perfect, most are far from it. Even so, I am happy. It's a life changer. So, on a day I once dreaded and viewed all about loss, I now celebrate. I am no longer a sad, scared girl. Twenty years later I am a fierce, strong, HAPPY woman. I really doesn't get better than that.

You'll Be Proud of Me

Photo credit to Emily on Flickr. License  Some rights reserved by Unfurled

This phrase leaves my lips far too often when speaking to those who are important to me. People pleasing has been what I attempted for more years than I can remember. I'd do or say what I thought was expected of me more often than not, thinking my real actions and opinions were not good enough. Is anyone good enough?

Those words are detrimental to so many, not good enough. If you've never felt that way, I envy you. This feeling for me lead to me trying to be perfect or at least not who I was to please those around me. You lose yourself int he quest to be what you're expected to be. Life becomes all about going through the motions and trying to figure out what the right thing is rather than going with your instinct. It's depressing and exhausting.

A couple of years ago, I realized it didn't have to be that way. That being me was okay and people actually liked Nessa for Nessa. It wasn't about what they could get from me or how I could change to suit them. It was freeing. I lived in a way I hadn't in a very long time, I said what I thought and behaved as I though I should. There was no more worrying about being what others expected.

Sadly, people pleasing is easy to slide back into. I've been doing a lot of that as of late. It's easier to nod and keep your head down, doing what others want instead of following your own spirit. As I said earlier, this isn't good for anybody. You don't actually build meaningful, sincere with people when not being true to yourself because they aren't seeing who you really are. I need to remember this and live the "Good to be me" motto every day.

I have a special person in my life who replies to every "You'll be proud of me" with "I'm always proud of you". That's great to hear, but it took me being proud of me to finally feel somewhat at peace. I'm beautifully flawed and proud of who I am, metaphorical warts and all.

What do you do when you feel you aren't good enough?