Be Afraid. Be very AFRAID!

21 September 2010
Read more from Megan over at Thoughts of an Oxymoron and be sure to come check out her column here next Tuesday!

Its 2:30 p.m. and to me that is the perfect time to polish off the rest of the pot of coffee sitting, now cold, in the pot. Mix it with a little skim milk, some ice, and soon that afternoon nap time feeling is just a little less noticeable. Plus, its delicious and its really all I drink unless you count w(h)ine time starting promptly at 4:30. Its a daily ritual for me. I love the taste, the smell, and the little spark of energy I get which, admittedly, is a lot less than it used to be due to my fierce tolerance to that black elixir from heaven. (That's right, BLACK, no cream, no sugar, unless its iced and then just skim milk.)

frothy iced coffee
So, here I sit with my iced coffee checking over the news and getting ready to share my somewhat off take on things when I stumble across this article.
At first I just laughed it off. Careful kids, Mommy's all jacked up again. Its the coffee baby! *Twitch* That's only a little bit funny (OK maybe a lot funny) since I twitch like a Mexican Jumping Bean anyway. Maybe its the coffee, but I doubt it. After all, coffee doesn't make you twitch, it makes you kill people. Quickly too I'll bet.  It seems that in my the state just south of my own, Woody Will Smith (Yep, WOODY WILL *eye roll*) is claiming that he had too much coffee, cola, energy drinks and pills and not enough sleep. That this combination of exhaustion and drug induced energy caused him to go cuckoo and strangle his wife with an electric cord. I'm not sure if I'm buying that defense Woody Will. I know what its like to live on the edge of exhaustion, I have four kids. I also know what its like to live all jacked up on coffee. I do it every day and I like it that way. 

Now, I'm not saying that I don't ever feel like FrEaKiNg out on someone, but strangulation by electric cord hasn't ever even come CLOSE to happening, or strangulation by any other device, poisoning, stabbing or shooting. Somewhere in that mess of murderous options, there is this little thing called self control and rational thinking. The shrink in charge of Woody's psych eval. had this to say.

"This dissociative belief and intense paranoid delusions are the direct result of the ingestion of large amounts of caffeine and diet pills." 

This is good news/bad new folks. Lets start with the bad news so I can leave you with a happy ending.  Here it is. Willy Woody or whatever this guy's real name is will probably walk away from this murder and down the block to the rehab facility for his addiction to caffeine. His dead wife will still be dead, and if he's anywhere NEAR as lucky as Lindsay Lohan, he'll be out in 23 days. He'll be back at the Waffle house with a to-go cup in hand.  Now the good news. Every time I feel like I'm ready to lose it, I'm blaming the Folgers in my cup. 

You know whats coming next? People suing Starbucks, Seattle's Best, Folgers, and Dunkin' Donuts for making them murder people. *eye roll* Nice try Woody Watson. Nice try...


BB said...

I knew I liked you!!! My name is Barb and I'm a coffee addict! Black, no sugar and cannot function the day without it. This defense is a joke. purely a joke. I could never be a defense lawyer. I'd tell this guy you're nuts and I'm not defending you. Now leave me alone so I can go to Dunkin Donuts. I wouldn't have many clients would I?? said...

Exactly! Everyone will jump on the bandwagon and sue anyone for anything that goes wrong in their lives.

Sorry for his wife. Her years were cut short by his stupidity.

Lauren said...

They'll probably have to add a new caution underneath the McDonalds coffee cup "Caution: Contents May Be Hot"

"Caution: May cause murderous thoughts. Avoid contact with electrical cords."

Anonymous said...

Aaah you have to love lawsuit happy America don't you. *eye roll* Its so sad.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I hope not but I can see it coming now. People suing because their cheeseburgers were made with beef will be next. Its a crazy, crazy country sometimes.