Where is the switch?

21 July 2011
Again, thank you all for your prayers and support. You all believe in me when I can't seem to believe in myself. It means more to me than I can say.

Today has been so difficult and I'm not sure why. I've just been in tears all day long. I'm just not in a good place. I miss my family, that's all I can say. Finding out that everyone in town, including the guy putting on the new roof, knew he was leaving has really been a blow. Everyone knew other than me. I go back and forth between complete disbelief and feeling like the world's biggest fool.

People keep giving me advice. I'm apparently suppose to be mad. I just can't go there. I do get angry sometimes, but sadness is the overwhelming emotion. The fact that I didn't realize how badly I'd messed up until it was too late, how I begged to go to counseling desperate to make things work, the way he looks at me like 15 years never happened.... it's very, very difficult. He's moved on and I just can't. I don't know how to let go. How do you unlove someone? I read the cards and letters he gave me over the years. What happened? How did he just turn that off? Someone point me in the direction of the off switch! I need it to not hurt anymore.



stephanie jock said...

don't know how to fix it just wanted to say we love you and you will overcome!!!

Unknown said...

I can't tell you when but it WILL happen. Next year, this same time, you will look back and see just how far you've come. I have cried your same tears and asked those same questions. I experienced grief I've never imagined before. Yet, I realized that it was him that made the choice..not me. He was the bigger fool for letting me go. You are not a fool. You are beautiful, courageous and kind and most of all trusting. He didn't deserve to be trusted. If you ever need to talk, please email me. Take care of you!!

Andi said...

Oh Nessa,
You can't turn it off! You have to grieve! Don't let anyone tell you that you can't! I went through this 3 years ago and I thought that because I had moved out of VA to ID I was ok. I wasn't. I needed the love and support of those in the Divorce Care Recovery group. I highly suggest you find one and start going. You can even receive Divorce Care emails with daily encouragement that starts at the beginning right where you are. Sadly he had walked away from the marriage while he was still in it, you were still working. None of this is your fault and don't let one person tell you so! He walked away! Not you! Don't you ever forget that! Sending you love, hugs, and God's blessings! Andi

Becca said...

I think you just have to give it time. Everyone deals with things differently but most people agree that time eases things.

lfhpueblo said...

I wish we were mind readers, but alas we are not. I wish you could have seen ahead to what would happen so you could be prepared. I guess it must feel like a loved one dying unexpectedly. I mean I knew and had time to prepare for both of my parents deaths due to their lingering health conditions. It hurt when they died and weren't here anymore, but not as badly as if I hadn't known.
I know the two circumstances aren't exactly the same, but in either case you do need to allow yourself the stages of grief in whatever steps they take in your relationship ending. Sadness and grief to me is not to be expected, and however long it takes you to go through that stage is going to be up to you. One day you'll decide it's not worth putting the energy into the sadness anymore because you need to be good to yourself since that person wasn't.
I hope that day happens soon for you, because you need to remember you're a good person and deserve a good life.
God Bless and Keep You and help you through this.

Anonymous said...

i so wish i had magic words but again i don't. it wasn't just you messing up- he had his hand in there too! he could have said or done more to tell you but he didn't so don't buy into the idea that it was your fault alone.
i pray for you to find peace and i wiah i knew how to tell you how to get some but i just don't. you can complain or cry or whatever you want and i will listen . ~hugs

Caroline said...

Sorry to here about this. Praying for you. Little Journeys World, LLC (Western Journeys(