Dave Says

English: Dave Navarro, Jane's Addiction, Ninja tour. image shot by Fiona Bowie at Santa Barbara, California (thumbnail) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Anyone who knows me very well knows I have quite a fondness for Dave Navarro. It's bizarre really because normally looks wise this would not be the kind of guy I would call my type, but I adore him. It's not a looks thing, it's a talent thing. His voice too. I could listen to the man read the phone book. I got on the Dave train a little late; I had never even heard of him until that INXS reality show he cohosted. Yes, I know who RHCP are, but I didn't make the connection. Anyway, he was on the show and he spoke and played and looked amazing with all that ink. Even though he wore guy-liner, I was a fan pretty quickly.

This is not a post about my love for Dave Navarro, I promise.

Anyway, I've been dealing with some stuff lately. Stressors if you will. As many of you know, my teeth have been making me really sick and that's not helping the situation at all. A few weeks back I had an all out meltdown, questioning my faith and who I was. It wasn't pretty. What brought it on? Words. Those little puppies have power. Especially when you are a people pleaser like I am, anyone thinking badly of you can stress you beyond belief. The thing is, why? Why do I get like that? It's been eating me up for weeks and came to a pretty ugly head for me last night when I realized how ridiculous my weeks of being so upset over the whole thing were. So stressed that it was taking a physical toll over what someone thought of me. Just typing that makes me realize how nuts it sounds. Hello approval addiction. Anyway, I spent a good deal of my day questioning why my little brain in cahoots with my heart tends to agonize over this stuff and why I can't give my worries over and just let go, stuff like that. Being afraid of people not liking you is stupid, this was my mantra for the day.

Then tonight Dave came up in conversation, as happens a lot with my friends and I. We were watching videos of Heart and Dave Navarro together, seriously go check that awesomeness out, and I found this interview. Now, like any good fangirl, I know a LOT about Dave. I knew all the facts in the video. But, I found this interview, full of the slap upside the head and perspective I so desperately needed, exactly when I needed it most. The powers that be are kind of awesome like that. The fact that the message I needed to hear came from Dave Navarro is so ironic it would take me hours to explain it. Anyhow, this is Dave talking about overcoming fear. What I got was a hefty dose of perspective on things that are TRULY worth stressing over and no matter how great or small the fear... well we just have to say what's the worst that can happen and keep living.

As for me and my ridiculous stress and worry over people who aren't even important?

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.” ― Bernard M. Baruch

I may have to remind mysself of that a lot, take a lot of deep breaths, sing Let It Go, and vent time and again, but I will be proactive. I refuse to give anyone that kind of power over me anymore.

Thanks, Dave. XOXO

The Saddest Day of the Year?

Monday, Monday... (Photo credit: practicalowl)

Seriously, I heard that on one of the morning shows after getting to work today. It's the first Monday of the new year, back to school, the realization of holiday debt dawning, and the point at which people are already slipping on the resolutions. All that is just blah. Fighting the blues in no fun whatsoever.

I can't say that I'm sad as of late, but tired I will cop to. I don't know why exactly. My job isn't particularly physically demanding. The biggest issue I think is my completely jacked up sleep schedule. I took a two hour nap tonight and woke up at nine. I could have passed right back out, but had a few things to get done. Maybe I should have made a resolution to get enough rest and better take care of myself. I can still try, right?

I hope it wasn't a dad day for all my readers. I also hope you are all safe and warm during this crazy weather.

Overwhelming Thought of the Day

Happy Holidays?

Image via Wikipedia

The holidays bring joy, family togetherness, and a delightful spirit of giving. They also tend to bring blues to a great many. I've had my share of holiday depression, remembering loved ones who are no longer with us and such. But, those memories can easily be changed to all the great memories of past Christmases shared, making them a little easier to handle. For me, this Christmas is different.

I store all our Christmas ornaments in a large black bin. Going through them this year was heart breaking. I opened it several times and quickly closed it, unable to face the contents. Little Miss and my Mom ended up trimming the tree this year, something I both hated and was thankful for. Now I'm faced with what to do with the ornaments that I can't even type about without tears coming to my eyes. The engraved heart with our names engraved on it, given to me before marriage even seemed a possibility. The tiny framed ornament that holds our first family portrait, with a tiny Little Man in my arms. What do I do with these things? These small items represent more than a decade of memories and I honestly don't know what to do with them. We were a family, there was love, there were good times. Do I box them up and forget about them? I can't bear to toss out pictures that have my children in them. Perhaps I'll pack them away with the wedding pictures, items that I can't face, can't get rid of, and just don't know how to handle. I seriously have a box that is labeled "I just don't know".

I cannot really explain all the emotions these items and photographs bring up. I don't miss him, but it's still very new, trying to come to grips with the fact life will never be as it once as. I am just beginning to take baby steps toward living life alone, while he is already engaged. I need a copy of "Moving on After Divorce for Dummies". I am trying very hard to look at it as an adventure. Having married at 17, this is the first time I've been on my own as an adult. Single parenthood is difficult, but a journey I'm figuring out. The being separated from Little Man is the part I struggle with daily. One step at a time and a lot of prayer, that's all I know to do. Even with all the difficult adjustments, there is no doubt in my mind that I'm stronger than I was even six months ago.

Those of you who have "been there, done that" any tips on surviving the first holiday season after divorce?

Where is the switch?

Again, thank you all for your prayers and support. You all believe in me when I can't seem to believe in myself. It means more to me than I can say.

Today has been so difficult and I'm not sure why. I've just been in tears all day long. I'm just not in a good place. I miss my family, that's all I can say. Finding out that everyone in town, including the guy putting on the new roof, knew he was leaving has really been a blow. Everyone knew other than me. I go back and forth between complete disbelief and feeling like the world's biggest fool.

People keep giving me advice. I'm apparently suppose to be mad. I just can't go there. I do get angry sometimes, but sadness is the overwhelming emotion. The fact that I didn't realize how badly I'd messed up until it was too late, how I begged to go to counseling desperate to make things work, the way he looks at me like 15 years never happened.... it's very, very difficult. He's moved on and I just can't. I don't know how to let go. How do you unlove someone? I read the cards and letters he gave me over the years. What happened? How did he just turn that off? Someone point me in the direction of the off switch! I need it to not hurt anymore.

Everything Changes

Image via WikipediaTime for honesty. The last six months I have been a shell of a person. I've barely functioned. Depression has me so tightly in it's grip that doing anything other than the most basic tasks has seemed to difficult. My kids have barely had a mother, my husband has not had a wife, and I've not done anything about it. I have isolated myself, living in my own little bubble where I felt safe and in control. The problem is, I did not realize I was doing it until it was too late.

For the past week and a half I've tried to pull out of it, come back to life, do the things that need doing. I've prayed, I've tried opening up, I've reached out. But it seems I lost myself for too long, my efforts are too little too late. I have managed to ruin the only thing that really matters to me. And I don't know how to deal with it or fix it or change it. And I'm terrified.

I realize this is very personal, but I've grown to be friends with quite a few of my readers. So, thank you all for your prayers, support, and friendship. There may be more personal posts from now on, but at least I'll be posting more, right? This blog is something I've always been proud of, it's time to make it important to me again.

Purging and Coming Home

Something I've learned the past few days is that sometimes you've just got to let go of all those thoughts and emotions you keep bottled up inside and get them out there. It can be amazingly liberating. Doing so has been a turning point for me. I now feel like I can move out of this darkness and into the sun. At this very moment I feel like I could accomplish damn near anything. I've needed this feeling, this self confidence to return. I want to scream from the rooftops "Welcome back Nessa!"!

And yes, I'm rambling, but note the name of the blog.

Honesty

It's honesty time. I've spent most of the past month in the deep dark pit of depression. Not eating, sleeping, barely functioning. And for most of that time I've not had the desire to claw my way out. I just haven't wanted to be. I finally made the decision to seek some help and am on meds. It's getting better. Today was a decent day. It was also a very eye opening day. You see the friends who noticed, who made the effort to check up on me the most were you guys. The people I've never actually met. From the other side of a computer, y'all know me well enough to know when something is off. I cannot tell you how much that means to me. So thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Perfection and Isolation

Image by ashley rose, via Flickr

I have several close friends, but most of them live far away. We talk, text, or email every day, managing to keep in touch despite the distance. I love these ladies and my life would not be complete without them. Especially Melly, my oldest and dearest friend. Lately, I've been missing her very badly. It's hard to go years without seeing your best friend and know it will be years until you feasibly see them again. Kids, jobs, money, and being half way across the country are pretty big obstacles.

I have friends locally, but lately I find myself not wanting to socialize much at all. As my long time readers know, I struggle with depression, so maybe this is part of it. I just know that being alone is rather appealing these days. When I am craving conversation and someone to hang and have fun with, things generally don't work out. Everyone in my life is so busy, I guess everyone has more of a life than me. Maybe I'm just giving up and saying alone is better than begging for companionship and being rejected. I don't know.

I realize this is turning into a ramble post, but as they name of the site indicates, I'm pretty prone to rambling. It just seems that lately I need a friend more and more and they are hard to tie down. I'm feeling overwhelmed, because I'm failing miserably at being all the things I need to be to everyone. And for the last hour I've been treated to text message after text message from my husband literally cussing me because he left his can of snuff at home. This is exactly what I mean, I am expected to be perfect and I can't be.

So, I do the things I'm supposed to do. And yes, I fail. I'm beginning to realize my family wants a Stepford wife rather than me. But, I keep trying. I am trying, and trying to smile and pretend everything is just fine. But, it's not. And it hurts.

Sorry for this post being so personal and disjointed, but sometimes you just need to vent. Thanks to my readers for understanding.

People Pleaser

I am a people pleaser. I am such a people pleaser that the thought of making anyone less than happy with me can worry me to death. I don't know if this goes along with my depression or what, but it's a problem that has gotten worse the past few years. Now, I'm not saying that it's always a bad thing, but when it starts stressing you out, then that isn't good. I think my people pleasing is what has made me so afraid of conflict. I hate conflict and will bend over backwards to avoid it. Does that make me a big baby? Possibly. But, if there is conflict, in my mind I haven't done my job of keeping everyone happy. Rationally I know this is an impossible task, but still I try and then worry when I fail. It really sucks at times.

The biggest problem with being this way is that you are always focused on someone else. We need to think of ourselves and do what's best for us, but it's hard when you are too busy trying to keep everyone else happy. I think many mamas know exactly what I'm talking about. So, when do we put the needs of others aside and do what's best for us? I have no idea what the answer to this one is, but I know we all need to do right by us or we will be no good to anyone else.

So, that's what I'm trying to work on right now, taking care of me. I've had a bad case of the blues lately and I think giving myself a break will help. I am giving myself permission to not be perfect and make everyone happy. Of course I am still going to be a good wife and mama, but I'm also going to focus some energy on things I want to do. I am going to try to let go of this idea that I need to make every single soul I know blissfully happy. I mean, we don't live in a Disney movie here! Ultimately, I cannot make other people be happy, I can only do that for myself. And I really feel that I deserve it. So, I start the process of letting this strange character flaw of mine go and embracing the idea that I am worthy of some happiness too. Maybe I've been trying to please the wrong people all along.

In A Funk

Image by Lst1984 via Flickr

Okay folks, it's time for a confession. Lately I've not been a very good housewife, mom, blogger, or any of the other titles I hold. I've been in a deep, dark funk. Depression is no picnic and you'd think after years of dealing with it I'd be better able to cope, but alas, that is not the case. For those of you who have no idea what depression is like, I wish I could explain it. For me, it is like I had just quit functioning for about a month. My family suffered, my friends suffered, my house completely fell apart, and poor Ramblings just got pretty much neglected. I forgot so many things, turned into a complete scatter brain. I pretty much just stopped doing life for awhile.

I am telling you this because I want to apologize. I feel like I've not done right by my blog readers and I am sorry. I hope to be back to my old self soon. All I can say is I am trying to get it back together, because it felt like my life was falling apart. Thanks for sticking with me!

I have lots of good reviews and giveaways coming up, plus posts on doing the holidays without breaking the bank, and of course stuff about life here in Podunk. I look forward to getting back into Ramblings and reconnecting with my readers. I may also write about trying to regain control of my home, and well my life while battling depression. If there's anything else y'all would like to see me write about, just leave me a comment or email me at nessa(at)texashousewife(dot)com

Blue

I am so blue today. I realize that having depression does this, but I have way more good days than bad normally. Today is just one of the bad ones. It's grey and drizzly outside. I haven't been sleeping well. The house is a disaster. I am tired and just want to curl up with a book or take a nap. I am worried about Dan's job. I am in general just blah. I did a work out and it perked me up some. But, I am still very blah.

Living with depression is no fun, lol. I normally cope very well, I think a combination of things has just brought me down today. It will pass, it always does. I am going to do some housework. Seeing things in good shape always helps; messes are even more depressing. Then I'll probably kick back with a book for a bit.

What do you do to cheer up when you have a case of the blahs?

Depression, Life, & A Road Trip

**This photo is titled Sadness and is by Eric Perrone**

Yesterday afternoon, I called hubby at work and suggested we go on a road trip this weekend. It seems he'd been thinking the exact same thing, so we began to plan. You'd think I'd be happy, but less than 24 hours later life is getting in the way and I'm doubting myself.

I have 15,000 loads of laundry to do and with hang drying, it is not a speedy process.

Then I need to pack. And get the house in tip top shape, as coming home to a messy house is so depressing.

And the kids are not thrilled because they can't trick or treat if they are stuck in the car for 4+ hours. The funny thing is, we weren't going trick or treating anyway, kids!

But, by mid morning, I was getting stuff done and thinking it won't be so bad. Then it happened. Ya know, the thing at the end of this sentence. Cramps that had me doubling over came on full force. Well, at least we know why I've been having crazy mood swings, lol. So, I pop a couple of Midol and hope it helps. I have too much to do to deal with this right now.

I think my main problem is my depression messing with me. Hubby thinks it will be good for me to get away and unwind a little. But, I'm already thinking how many gallons of paint the gas money would buy and what we could get done this weekend working on the house. Honestly, the house is big time stressing me out lately. I feel like we are making no progress at all with updating it. And it's a wreck. All the time. And worse yet, lately I don't care. I'd rather crawl in bed and sleep and hope it all goes away. As I realize what I'm typing this voice in my head is screaming "Hello! You have depression you big dope! That is what makes you think that way!" But knowing it and overcoming it are two different things. I normally manage my depression pretty well, but every now and then I get really blue. With all that's going on around here, I suppose a non depressed person would get a little stressed.

So, maybe hubby is right, it might be good to go on a mini vacation. Seeing our friends and family sounds great! I miss them so! Plus, maybe we'll get to do something fun. Maybe we'll stumble across the stove we've been looking for. Or splurge and go out to eat at one of those yummy places we miss. I'm sure it will be fun.

I just gotta snap out of this funk I'm in. To all you other moms with depression, are there certain times when you get really down? What do you do to snap out of it?