05 December 2011

Happy Holidays?

pl: Ozdoby choinkowe. en: Christmas ornaments.
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The holidays bring joy, family togetherness, and a delightful spirit of giving. They also tend to bring blues to a great many. I've had my share of holiday depression, remembering loved ones who are no longer with us and such. But, those memories can easily be changed to all the great memories of past Christmases shared, making them a little easier to handle. For me, this Christmas is different.

I store all our Christmas ornaments in a large black bin. Going through them this year was heart breaking. I opened it several times and quickly closed it, unable to face the contents. Little Miss and my Mom ended up trimming the tree this year, something I both hated and was thankful for. Now I'm faced with what to do with the ornaments that I can't even type about without tears coming to my eyes. The engraved heart with our names engraved on it, given to me before marriage even seemed a possibility. The tiny framed ornament that holds our first family portrait, with a tiny Little Man in my arms. What do I do with these things? These small items represent more than a decade of memories and I honestly don't know what to do with them. We were a family, there was love, there were good times. Do I box them up and forget about them? I can't bear to toss out pictures that have my children in them. Perhaps I'll pack them away with the wedding pictures, items that I can't face, can't get rid of, and just don't know how to handle. I seriously have a box that is labeled "I just don't know".

I cannot really explain all the emotions these items and photographs bring up. I don't miss him, but it's still very new, trying to come to grips with the fact life will never be as it once as. I am just beginning to take baby steps toward living life alone, while he is already engaged. I need a copy of "Moving on After Divorce for Dummies". I am trying very hard to look at it as an adventure. Having married at 17, this is the first time I've been on my own as an adult. Single parenthood is difficult, but a journey I'm figuring out. The being separated from Little Man is the part I struggle with daily. One step at a time and a lot of prayer, that's all I know to do. Even with all the difficult adjustments, there is no doubt in my mind that I'm stronger than I was even six months ago.

Those of you who have "been there, done that" any tips on surviving the first holiday season after divorce?


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1 comment:

Lynette said...

College Girl and I ran away on our first Christmas alone. Honestly. We took off and did not come home til after New Years. Not a great answer but how we hid from the not being able to do, handle or cope.