Perfection and Isolation

17 May 2010

224.365  how do you gauge loneliness?Image by ashley rose, via Flickr

I have several close friends, but most of them live far away. We talk, text, or email every day, managing to keep in touch despite the distance. I love these ladies and my life would not be complete without them. Especially Melly, my oldest and dearest friend. Lately, I've been missing her very badly. It's hard to go years without seeing your best friend and know it will be years until you feasibly see them again. Kids, jobs, money, and being half way across the country are pretty big obstacles.

I have friends locally, but lately I find myself not wanting to socialize much at all. As my long time readers know, I struggle with depression, so maybe this is part of it. I just know that being alone is rather appealing these days. When I am craving conversation and someone to hang and have fun with, things generally don't work out. Everyone in my life is so busy, I guess everyone has more of a life than me. Maybe I'm just giving up and saying alone is better than begging for companionship and being rejected. I don't know.

I realize this is turning into a ramble post, but as they name of the site indicates, I'm pretty prone to rambling. It just seems that lately I need a friend more and more and they are hard to tie down. I'm feeling overwhelmed, because I'm failing miserably at being all the things I need to be to everyone. And for the last hour I've been treated to text message after text message from my husband literally cussing me because he left his can of snuff at home. This is exactly what I mean, I am expected to be perfect and I can't be.

So, I do the things I'm supposed to do. And yes, I fail. I'm beginning to realize my family wants a Stepford wife rather than me. But, I keep trying. I am trying, and trying to smile and pretend everything is just fine. But, it's not. And it hurts.

Sorry for this post being so personal and disjointed, but sometimes you just need to vent. Thanks to my readers for understanding.


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Carmen said...

I've gone through it since having a chronic illness. Healthy friends left. Had to make new friends, but only found a few. It's hard, but I try to make sure I keep up with the ones I do have. Will pray for you.

lynette355 said...

I am sorry I was not home today...and you should never want to be perfect....first off that is BORING! Next, get up and let's have some fun. Kiddos go home and it is girl girl girl time....whacha say?

Julia M. Reffner said...

We just moved to a new town a few months ago and also struggle with depression. I will keep you in prayer.