20 Years Ago

Twenty years ago today I was a seventeen year old bride, scared to death but excited for the future. At this point exactly 20 years ago I was in a hotel with my new husband having a mental freak out because all of a sudden I wasn't supposed to be a kid anymore. We had a baby on the way and out of nowhere it slammed into me that we were now supposed to be adults and our own unit. We were expected to raise someone else. It was a lot to absorb. Even though I was worried about the future and how exactly life was going to work, I was happy because I had this person who loved me. I thought that's what happiness was supposed to look like. 

Fifteen years ago today I was in tears most of the day. The marriage this day commemorated was in trouble and I knew it. I had learned a lot in the years since "I do". I was the mother to two absolutely amazing children. Life was a struggle, but we sort of got by. I tried to count my blessings, but I was not the wife I was expected to be. My heart hurt because happiness was a concept I didn't grasp anymore. I wasn't a great mom. I was depressed and lost, all because I thought the only way to be happy was to be loved by a man, to be living some sort of fairy tale that eluded me. I knew life was not that way for me, for us, and I was miserable for so many reasons. 

I had it all wrong. 

Tonight there are a few tears as I type, not from sadness for where I am now, but from relief the person I was five years ago is long gone.Why has past me a memory and something I will never be again? It's because the power of I. 

“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.” ~ Groucho Marx

I figured out happiness isn't about a man loving you. It's not about a big house, having all the money in the world, or raising perfect kids. Those things don't make you happy, it comes from within us. Figuring that out was a game changer for me. Guess what happened? I became someone I am proud of. I am an amazing mother. Have a job I love. Am finally going to college after years of believing it was impossible. I accomplished a dream by becoming an author. I am strong, so much stronger than I ever believed. I am smart. Funny. Kind. I am blessed with the most incredible family and friends who support and love me unconditionally. I found myself and guess what? I. Am. Happy. Life still throws curve balls. Depression still sucks. Not every day is perfect, most are far from it. Even so, I am happy. It's a life changer. So, on a day I once dreaded and viewed all about loss, I now celebrate. I am no longer a sad, scared girl. Twenty years later I am a fierce, strong, HAPPY woman. I really doesn't get better than that.

I wish to blow the negativity away!

Dandelion clock Français : Fleur de pissenlit en gros plan (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Lately I realize I hang on to grudges more than I ever would have believed. I am going to blame my Capricorn stubbornness for this. I think it's genetic too, but that's a whole other post. What I'm learning about grudges and my in general poor attitude about certain things is it's really difficult to be happy and peaceful when you are pissy about something. And no, this is not a post about being hacked off at someone, don't go all crazy on my Facebook. This post is a result of a LOT of not so great events crammed into a tiny window of time which left me feeling way more growly and out of sorts than I prefer. That's it. 

This means one thing. Let. It. Go. Three simple little words. If only it was simple to put into practice. Why can't I just let go instead of stewing on stuff until it drives me bonkers? I don't know, but I wish I was one of those people that could just toss away negative thoughts, breathe in, and move on. You people who can do that rock!  I can journal about it, talk about it, pray about it, but very rarely does it go away life I want it to. The end result is far from peaceful, it's more a constant state of gut churning and forced smiles. It drains my happy and makes my brain malfunction.

Instead of letting it go I have to analyze why, how, what could have been done differently, and beat it to death. I even have a friend I generally beat things to death with, especially lately. She and I are masters are pretending everything is fine. We are fine. We both pretend too hard sometimes. We are both Capricorns. Anyway, what we end up with is a lot of pretended to be fine when inside we go from fine to a wreck in .06 seconds, which could make anyone near us think we have perpetual PMS. Now there's a pleasant thought. 

Now that I've spent entirely too much time going on about how I spend entirely too much time beating things to death, what now? Well, my goal for the week is to actually LET IT GO. It can be done, I just have to remember a few things.

• It's okay to feel it. Sadness, anger, bitterness, whatever the emotion, it's okay to fully feel it. 
• It's okay to vent about it to, just not forever. Rant, rage, scream, or whatever, it's cool and can make you feel better. But, doing this for all eternity isn't the best plan.
• So, once I'm done throwing a fit and feeling and possibly wallowing it's time to put the negativity in it's place. This is the let it go part. I've read all sorts of stuff from imagining throwing a ball away to scream to the heavens that you forsake the negativity. I'm leaning toward putting all my negative thoughts into a letter then torching it. Wait, maybe I shouldn't set things aflame. Anyway, still leaning toward writing it all out. 
• Most importantly I need to remember that negativity is poison. Whether we are talking general negative thoughts and bad moods or all out bitterness toward another person, it's not doing us any favors. Anger hurts us, not the person or situation we are angry about. Giving it the shaft is truly a gift to ourselves. With it comes peace. 

How do y'all deal with negative thoughts and emotions? Are you one of the lucky ones who can just dropkick those things or are you like me and cling for no reason? I'm curious about this. 

Overwhelming Thought of the Day